The Secret of You - The Secret Begins........again

Let us assume that the point of us being here is to find our way to the truth of who we are while in the physical body. It would make sense then that, on our arrival when we incarnate into the foetus, we must forget where we came from. When we arrive, there is no secret, we are who we are. It’s all we know, it’s our truth and we are fully aware of where we’ve come from and what we have come here to do. We come from a place of unconditional love and oneness to this physical world where, let’s face it, unconditional love is in pretty short supply. The other difference is that the physical world is, by its very nature, based on separation. It is a place of 7 billion separate and distinct beings that all see themselves as “I” or “me”.


As a developing foetus in the womb, the loss of connection to our spiritual home can be enough to begin the process of feeling isolated as the concept of separateness begins to dawn on us. While in the womb, we are also tied to our mother and share her experiences and emotions. Our developing mind can make all sorts of erroneous decisions about what these feelings mean about the world that awaits us. I have found that clients can recall memories that go back to the womb, what they felt and how they responded.


Once born, our source of unconditional love now comes from our parents especially our mother. Very early on, some kind of experience that creates a feeling of invalidation or loss of love is inevitable even with the most well-intended parenting. Even being left to cry in the cot may leave the child wondering where the unconditional love has gone.

Love and approval often get mistakenly interpreted as the same thing by children. Much of parenting is modelled on reward for following rules, expectations and codes of conduct where the child learns that approval is very conditional and has to adjust accordingly. It is rare to find love that doesn’t have some kind of judgement or condition attached to it. To a young child this source of love is absolutely crucial and survival depends on getting it back this no matter what. Mum shouting at her child for doing something inappropriate can be interpreted by the child as “she doesn’t love me, I must be different from who I am to get the love back”.

The authentic part of us, who we came in as, is now enveloped in a wound or multiple wounds consisting of the pain from what has happened and how we feel about ourselves and our inability to do anything about it. We view ourselves from this vantage point now and it’s not a positive image. Who we really are is becoming lost to us; a secret kept from ourselves.


Because what we came in as obviously isn’t up to the job anymore and who we are isn’t enough, our mind, motivated by survival and pain avoidance,  creates new and more “successful” ways of being where success is defined as safety, feeling loved or a sense of self-worth.  It’s simply more important to have that love, approval or safety but by doing so we lose touch with the being that came to this planet, our true selves.


We become false; we are now being a certain way to achieve something. When we are authentic, we let life flow and happen without control, being truly in the now with a deep sense of trust and contentment. Now we are who we are not and endeavouring to control ourselves and our environment. The shift from human-being to human-doing is happening.


As we grow up and face new challenges these false ways of being morph over time. We tweak them, add on new identities and discard bits that don’t seem to work as well anymore to suit. By the time we have become adults, there isn’t much left of our original beauty to see or feel anymore. The secret is complete. As adults we are well practised in our identities and are very accomplished at performing them. So much so that, to all intents and purposes, there is no secret, these identities are us. We know that striving for perfection avoids criticism; that accomplishing something means we’re worthwhile; that worrying helps us feel safe; that being a martyr gets sympathy and so on. It’s so true that we do it unthinkingly and automatically. We are very definitely what we do, how we do it and our life drama that’s behind it all.


No matter what the circumstances, some kind of wounding occurs in very young children causing a belief in their inadequacy or creating a need to be different somehow so a feeling of safety can be restored. These beliefs will be unconscious and unavoidable. General consensus seems to be that this process is at its peak from the time we are in the womb until we reach 6 years of age. Given enough emotional intensity, this process does continue on after that period adding to the wounds already created. I believed I wasn’t good enough to stop my parents from fighting. Ridiculous to an adult but a child’s perspective is very me-centric. I thought that they hated each other because of my failings. I just needed to be better in some way. If I could make everyone happy I could feel safe too and so a life of a Pleaser began.


Obviously some children go through much more painful childhoods than others and, in an article to follow, I will explain why those that suffer more may actually have an advantage when it comes to spiritual growth over those that have had a stable loving childhood. The point I want to make is that, no matter how seemingly good your childhood was, you will all be carrying some beliefs in your inadequacy and bearing that shame. It may be painful and obvious or totally unconscious. All kinds of decisions made by the mind in the very early years will be causing automatic ways of thinking that are running the show and hiding the secret of you. Unless they are brought into conscious awareness and examined there can be no unveiling of the truth.


See “The First Step – A Case of Mistaken Identity”