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My Journey to Here (Sept. 2014)

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I offer this article to anyone who may be struggling to embrace their true-selves and their path.

It has been clear for a very long time now that my life was about spiritual awakening and evolution. In the first 35 years or so, the further away from this path I went through self-denial, the more ill, depressed and stuck and addicted I became. The more I resisted it, the worse everything became. I fought it and fought it and resisted making changes in my life until sheer despair and exhaustion overwhelmed me and I entered into years of trying to find my way out of the darkness that I had created for myself. This took the form of health crises and being involved in relationships that were wrong for me and being unwilling to see any alternatives.

At some point I realised that something profoundly important was stirring within me that couldn’t be ignored. When I tried to deny these signs, I went back into my old ways and life became harder, sometimes much, much harder. Life became like having a bungee-cord around my waist and then trying to run uphill. The end of the stretch had been reached but I was trying to keep pushing on. Some days it was hard to put one foot in front of the other because I was resisting the flow of life and clinging on to what I thought I knew to be true.

When I listened to the calling within me, I felt better and it felt like my life had integrity despite things unravelling frighteningly and dramatically - the message was clear. Albeit reluctantly at first, I gradually embraced the direction my life was taking me and, over time, it has developed into a burning flame of truth within me that drives me forward. Nothing creates as much passion within me as becoming who I really am. Evolution or die - it feels that profound now.

It has meant some extremely painful choices beginning more than two decades ago when I left my first wife and my young son. Although not awakened at that time, I “knew” I was in the wrong place and that I had to leave once I could overcome my huge guilt about doing so, my fear of the judgements of others and financial problems. With no guarantees, I moved into uncertainty and what felt like a bleak existence. But by doing so I had moved into a space where change could happen and, within a fortnight, my future wife and soul-mate came into my life. With her to guide me I was able to fundamentally change who I was over time and ultimately this led to all that has unfolded since. Looking back, the timing of her arrival was no coincidence or happenstance. A plan was unfolding; I just didn’t know what it was at the time.

I was still in a lot of resistance and my refusal to let it go created depression and health problems. My search for answers to my own health and life issues was the driving force behind my movement from engineering and into healing of one sort or another.

I didn’t know it back then but I came here to be a Light carrier but I was in the way of my own plan happening. My resistance continued to slow me down and prevent me from embracing what was happening. Despite Reiki being my first healing training, and despite it being responsible for kicking off my awakening, I couldn’t truly embrace it and, instead, searched out more ‘conventional’ and accepted healing methods instead of listening to the urge within to work with Light directly. Then E.F.T. came along and has acted as a stepping stone for me until I was ready to move into Light-work after moving through my fears about doing so.

On the way I have found that following one’s path necessitates making profoundly difficult and even brutal choices about what relationships sustain me and which ones keep me stuck in my old patterns and keep me out of the Light. In the world of spiritual evolution, one often reads about sometimes having to let go of some of our closest and fundamental relationships in order to move forward but until one has had to do it, it is impossible to comprehend just how hard it is to do and then forgive oneself when others won’t.

Looking back, I have been guided and helped at every stage along the way by my higher-self, by Spirit and teachers but only when I have helped myself. When I was stuck in self-pity and refusing to listen to what my guidance was telling me, I was allowed to stay there until I was ready to come out of it. If I wanted to fight the guidance and only listen to my mind's fears and excuses then I was left to get on with it and allowed to stay in a place of struggle. But when I said “OK, let’s do it even though I’m afraid for a thousand different reasons and have a million excuses to justify not changing”, I have been helped. People have come into my life at the right time, resources have appeared, teachers and healers have been there to help me onto the next stepping stone. Things didn’t miraculously change overnight but at least I wasn’t stuck.

It took many small steps forward and moving through change and difficulty. I have come to appreciate the difference between wishing change would happen and being truly serious about actually changing, the difference between playing at it and doing it.

So, the next step for me is to move into Divine Plan Healing and work with Light directly. The training to come as an Essence Practitioner will move me forward yet further and allow me to offer the Keys of Transformation to others as well as myself. There is, of course, no end to personal evolution; no point where one says ‘Ah, done it, I’m there’.  But this step vibrates in me with truth and integrity. As the quote says “This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning”.

My profound thanks to all who have taught me and helped me thus far especially my clients who, as always, have been my greatest teachers and I know will continue to be.

 

© Phil Grant unless otherwise attributed